A couple of weeks ago I wrote about Volta. I wrote about a sudden moment in which I really felt the Christ's Peace and consolation come into my heart.
That very day was the day we conceived the child now in my womb.
I have waited to make this announcement because with the positive indicator on the HPT came a sense of overwhelming, well, everything. I literally fell to my knees, realizing I had read a positive test, and prayed with words from the Magnificat; I had taken the test on the morning of New Year's Day, the Solemnity of Mary the mother of God.
I have been hesitant to announce this at all, here on my blog, because I know my wait has been so much shorter than many of yours. And I know, though I don't know very many of you, that this announcement will feel painful, especially because I had been wondering if we would be dealing with secondary infertility, and now here I am, having only waited and prayed for seven months, while many of you have dealt with this for years. I feel incredibly guilty for that.
And I feel incredible fear.
I know how many of you have had multiple miscarriages and long long periods of IF, and failed adoptions; the pain of your stories has been my comfort, your strength in carrying on has been my inspiration, and my prayers have been and still are with you. The pain of my own struggle is still very heavy.
I have so much conflict in my heart when I think about this pregnancy.
And that is why I decided to go ahead and announce it, hopefully sensitively, because whether anyone reads this blog or not, I have to be able to write through my fear and hope and anxiety and joy.
A positive pregnancy test after miscarriage is one of the scariest things I can consider; I am so afraid this baby will die too. (The doctor has already prescribed me a progesterone supplement because my levels are low--anyone have experience with this?)
But I know that fear is not from God, and whether this baby lives or dies, He will make it for my salvation.
Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby. God will see us through. I do, for the first time in a long time trust in that Truth, and I am going to cling to Him, the one True Good.