As another blogger puts so well in a recent post, "I didn't know how...to get rid of the fear."
When I was first going through the horror of losing RG, I thought to myself, "if this ever happens again, I will go completely insane. I will not be able to handle it." And now, now that I face the real possibility that this baby could also die, I feel....well, actually sort of blank. I feel a blankness in the face of that thought because I cannot let myself go there. Every time my heart starts down that road, it stops, and turns around.
I think the reason it turns around is that, while I have fear that this baby will die, fear that I will bury two babies in six months, I do not--at least right now--fear the Will of God.
If you look back in the archives of this blog, you'll likely find traces, if not blatant statements, questioning God's Will and fearing that He is not here with me. I had so much fear of what He had planned for me because my heart was so broken when Romeo Gerard died, so so broken. And though, somewhere, I knew that fear was not from God, I had allowed the devil to make me afraid. Afraid of God, and afraid of His gifts. Afraid of abandonment, afraid of His plans for me. So afraid.
But the Lord comforted me; He let me know that RG's death was for my salvation. And everything in His Will is for my salvation. And he assured me that fear does not come from Him; it is of the Evil One because it's intent and result is to separate me from the Lord.
Herein lies Hope. The hope of the resurrection, and of our salvation. And the virtue of hope, which is the "sure and steadfast anchor of the soul" and the source of our rejoicing: "Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation." (Catechism, P. 1820). Hope that the Lord knows what is best for me in this world, and provides it--even if painful--in order to get me to the next world.
Now, we're not out of the woods yet. We won't be, as far as I'm concerned, until this baby is in my arms, alive and well. And it's not that I don't have a constant anxiety about whether my baby's heart is beating. Our first ultrasound is going to send me to the top of the nervous chart. If I weren't pregnant, you'd have to put me on a sedative. And, it is a possibility that God wills more sorrow in order for my salvation.
But hope prevents me from despairing now. Because He has seen fit for me to become pregnant. And so, today I am pregnant and I love my baby. Praise God; He hath done great things for me.
After announcing the pregnancy to my parents, my dad and I spoke about the fear. My dad said, "None of this belongs to Satan. NONE of it. Do not let him steal your joy, your anticipation, your trust in the Lord. Even your pain does not belong to him." And he is right. Even the negative that could come out of this, whether there might be complications, or if the baby is unhealthy, or even if he or she dies, these things are not for Satan. They are not his victories.
I know I'm putting on a brave face now. And all of this will be so difficult to look at if things turn for the worse. But a brave soul is a hopeful one.
Lord, please protect the child in my womb. Please allow him or her to be healthy and alive. I beg you to let him or her live to glorify You on earth. Above all, oh Lord, let Your will become my hope.
Lord, I accept ALL things; good or bad, bitter or sweet, joys or sorrows, and for all these things I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
St. Gerard, pray for us. St. Gianna, pray for us. Blessed Zelie, mother of the Little Flower, pray for us.