Volta

In poetry, the word "volta" refers to the turn in the poem, the moment of insight wherein the meaning is suddenly changed or realized. It is different from the common concept of "eureka!" and closer to the true meaning of "epiphany" because it is revealed to the reader by the clever workings of the poet; thus it is not a concept of self-discovery.

Over this past week's hiatus from my blog, while many things stole my attention--from the mundane (work) to the horrific (the tragedy of Sandy Hook Elementary), to the really joyous (watching little A help her Oma decorate the house for Christmas), I experienced volta. I haven't written of it until now because it still deserves some thought. I'm not quite ready to process it (and part of me doesn't want to claim it as such because I'm also afraid it's not really happening).

Let me be a little less cryptic: over the past two weeks I have had a sudden moment--perhaps over the span of 24 hours--that has brought utter peace to my restless heart. I can only think the Lord has heard my prayers for consolation--that He has made my faith True in His goodness.

I have been praying so much for consolation and He has provided it in abundance. Over the past six months I have not conceived a child, and I have not forgotten the pain of losing RG. To the latter, I never will. But the Lord has provided me with answers to the deepest questions of my heart. This is truly what people mean when they say that He answers prayers, but not always in the ways you anticipate.

Do You exist? Yes.
Do You love me? Yes. Even though I haven't always trusted You in my heart? Yes.
Will You provide me with the Grace to trust? Yes.
How do I move forward? Small acts of faith, one at a time.
What is my deepest desire? The Lord Himself.

I still miss Romeo Gerard. I still feel anxious about becoming pregnant again (if the Lord should will it). I still feel intense pain over the trouble we are having conceiving. I am still dealing with negative self image.

But.

But the Lord has provided me His peace. And on this Gaudete Sunday, in this week of rejoicing, I praise Him and thank Him for the great things He hath done.