I have a "viability ultrasound" on the 24th.
Just before falling asleep the other night, I asked my husband, R, if he would go with me. I need him there. No matter which way it goes. He said he will definitely get the time off of work to go with me, and he sensed my anxiety over it, knowing that this was the same kind of appointment we had when we found out that RG had died. I am finally finding out how nervous he is about this too. It is comforting to me to know he is nervous because I have never known how RG's death really affected my husband. He is very quiet with death.
We talked at length about our anxiety and our fear over this upcoming appointment. I said, "I want to get attached to this baby, but I'm afraid to."
R said, "You already are, you are already attached. How could you not be?" Then he held my hand and said "You know, if we spend all this time worrying and not letting ourselves bond with the baby, and we get to the appointment and find out that he is dead, we will feel worse than if we had allowed ourselves to love him and become attached."
He is so right.
And if healing is about trusting in the Lord, and if it's about Hope, and if it's about small acts of faith, then I have to let myself love this baby without fear.
After that conversation, I went out and bought some maternity jeans.