Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Viability Ultrasound

I have a "viability ultrasound" on the 24th.

Just before falling asleep the other night, I asked my husband, R, if he would go with me. I need him there. No matter which way it goes. He said he will definitely get the time off of work to go with me, and he sensed my anxiety over it, knowing that this was the same kind of appointment we had when we found out that RG had died. I am finally finding out how nervous he is about this too. It is comforting to me to know he is nervous because I have never known how RG's death really affected my husband. He is very quiet with death.

We talked at length about our anxiety and our fear over this upcoming appointment. I said, "I want to get attached to this baby, but I'm afraid to."

R said, "You already are, you are already attached. How could you not be?" Then he held my hand and said "You know, if we spend all this time worrying and not letting ourselves bond with the baby, and we get to the appointment and find out that he is dead, we will feel worse than if we had allowed ourselves to love him and become attached."

He is so right.

And if healing is about trusting in the Lord, and if it's about Hope, and if it's about small acts of faith, then I have to let myself love this baby without fear.

After that conversation, I went out and bought some maternity jeans.


  1. Wow, wise words from your husband! Love is always a risk, isn't it? But it's one we can't not take. And that's kind of scary. (Sorry if that sounded overly academic.) I'll pray for you and your husband to have peace of mind and heart before the ultrasound!

  2. He is right. Better to know you cherished every moment that you were given, whether it's a few weeks, or a lifetime. But I can totally understand the anxiety and fears. I felt the same way at my first ultrasound. For a long time I had a near-paralyzing fear that something was going to happen to C. But then I decided,at the beginning and end of each day, to just thank God for one more day of being her mom. :)

  3. Yes, your husband is wise indeed! Praying for you as you prepare for the ultrasound!

  4. Wise words from your husband. Mine said to me once at such a time, "there is a time to rejoice and a time to mourn, but never ever ever is there a time to be anxious."

    His more harsh words are often, "being a woman is not an excuse to worry. Worry is not okay." Hard hard words for me. It's just so hard. Prayers for you and your baby.

  5. Yes, Brilliant! What are we so afraid of, right? I mean, if I were to know that my four year old was going to die next year, I wouldn't stop loving him NOW to prepare myself.
    I love that you bought maternity jeans...that is awesome.
    I am praying for you.


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