Friday, November 9, 2012

Psalm 13.
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

CD 1. Anyone who has had a miscarriage or who struggles with infertility understands CD 1. This day. This cycle, CD 1 came on the anniversary of our loss. I refer to that day, July 7, 2012, as our baby's birthday. I refuse to refer to it as the day he died, or the day of horror. When putting that cytotec into my body was the worst thing I have ever ever done. The most counterintuitive thing I have ever done. The most horrifying thing I have ever done. The memory of that day is nothing but blood and tears. For CD 1 to come on the anniversary of that day has got to be some kind of cruel joke.

I implore the Lord: how long? How long, O LORD, will my days be darkened? How long must I feel distant from You? How long will I wait to understand Your Will, Your Plan? Show me that something fruitful will come of this. With trepidation I approach you, and I give my fiat.

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