Friday, November 9, 2012

In the midst of crisis

Sometimes you find something you really love, and you're not sure why you love it, but you just do. In my sophomore year of college I was taking a course on 17th Century English literature, and I happened upon the following poem in my "textbook" by George Herbert (written in 1633).
It was instantly my favorite poem. I didn't know exactly why. I had been in crisis situations before--situations that should have tested everything in my faith and in my being--and had felt that which is expressed in this poem. Yet, when the moment came in my life that I really felt what is in these words, I knew I had never really felt them before. Never. Never before in this way. For I had never had an affliction this great, never a heart so broken. 

Four months ago, I was pregnant. And then I wasn't. The nightmare of my life began.
And I knew, sitting in the doctor's office, hearing him tell me there wasn't a heartbeat, that my life was over as I had known it. When my baby died, my old self died too--which was, perhaps, a part of why God allowed this affliction--and I would have a long, dark road before me. 

Over four months I have felt so many things. Things of which I am very proud, and things of which I am not. But over them all, I am yet convinced that the Lord is Jesu.

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