1. Today is the 6 month anniversary of RG's birthday. Half a year without him. And everyday is getting closer to what should have been his birthday. My dear friend H is due then, and I'm afraid of that day. I pray I will have peace in my heart when her son comes, that my love for her and for her son will not be clouded by my sadness for RG.
2. A coworker of mine was talking about the show, "Two and a half Men" (a show that is NOT allowed in my house) and how one of the characters made a joke that "God gives you children so that you're less afraid of death." She had meant that having children makes you look forward to death because they are so difficult.
This idea is disgusting. And it is such a reflection of our anti-child culture of death. For me, and maybe for many of us struggling with fertility and/or miscarriage the statement is exactly the opposite. God gives us children because they remind us of His precious gift of LIFE. They remind us to cherish this gift. They remind us of His life, incarnate, and His eternal life. I don't want to die because I have children, even if their lives bring suffering, I want to live for them. Having your child die pretty much flips that anti-child perspective on its head. I wish my coworker had never shared that with me.
3. I have been thinking that if RG's life and death had a purpose, it was for my salvation, and possibly the salvation of others. I have truly been trying to offer up my daily suffering to Jesus, and it is making me think about little A. Why shouldn't little A's life also lead me to Him? When I have difficult moments with her, or when I am up in the middle of the night because of her, or when she is ill and I must put off everything to care for her, those moments ought to be offered for Jesus too.
4. My life is not about me.
5. Every night I rock little A in the glider and sing to her until she is asleep; then I put her in bed. Starting on the first Sunday of Advent, I sing Christmas songs. I didn't tell her I was going to do this, I just did. Last night she looks up at me as we sit down in the rocking chair, and she says, "Sing?" I say, "yes, of course." And she says, "Sing abouta Jesus?" Heart = melting.
6. I have been struggling a lot with self-image since the miscarriage. A lot. But if this is enough for Him,
then I am enough for Him.
7. My seventh quick take is an act of Hope.