Feel free to skip out on this post if you're not in the mood to hear it. But dang, I've just got to vent a wee bit.
I know I "asked" for all these things in some way or another, and that in the long term I will get over it, but right now is hard. I trust in the Lord's provision and in what He has put in front of us. I still believe that He wants us to be here, and He wants me to be doing this. It's just that right now is really hard. I'm putting it on the blog because I don't want to make a long distance call just to unload all of this on a friend, and because I need your prayers.
Having no friends or support system is way tougher than I had ever imagined. We are actually going to have to hire a stranger to come watch little A when I go into labor. It just feels really wrong. And we really can't afford it. We can't afford much these days.
This move cost us so much money--it's hard to think about. I don't even want to type the number "out loud" even though I know how much it cost us in my head. My husband's company's insurance is the worst health insurance I've ever seen. It is costing us at least double what it cost us to have little A. I'm not sure if he just chose the wrong plan (such as a catastrophic plan) or what--since I wasn't here to discuss it with him when he was signing up--but it is so expensive. You don't even want to know what our deductible or out-of-pocket is. And I won't get my first paycheck until mid September, so everything is reeeeeally tight right now.
It seems like every week something is a little more than minorly stressful, and it's getting to me. Last week was the TDaP situation. Before that my mom was here to visit and we got into a rough argument--one I finally was able to apologize for my part in just last night. Before that it was my husband's parents visit, and that always stresses me out.
And they are coming again this weekend (they invited themselves over for my husband's birthday which means I'm cooking and entertaining for everyone, not just our little family. This only adds to my stress about money and about them visiting in general. They also decided when we are going to celebrate his birthday--not on the actual day--and what we will be doing to celebrate.)
Then, yesterday, I took little A to daily Mass; we've been going probably 3-4 times a week since we arrived here, as it is my only solace for the loneliness of my current friendless situation. (I've realized that in order to truly be happy in my life, I really need some good friends nearby.) Not to mention that I love going to daily Mass in general. Normally, little A has been so well behaved when we go to Mass that I have received numerous compliments on her behavior. Well, I suppose I had it coming.
When we arrived at Mass, I could tell it was going to be one of our rougher days, but I had no way to predict the kind of behavior she displayed. It was like nothing I'd ever seen her do. She was kicking me, pulling my hair, pulling all the cushions off the pew and throwing them, yelling, flopping down in the center aisle, running away from our pew. It was a nightmare. I took her to time out, which usually works really well, but it was like she didn't give a rip how many times we went to time out. Then, I noticed she was pulling the cushion off the pew again, and I turned around really quickly to set her straight, and threw out my back. I had to sit immediately, and I could barely move for the rest of Mass. I was about to just leave Mass right before that point--something I NEVER do--because her behavior was just that bad. But now my back was hurt and I couldn't carry her out. I couldn't even stand up. I had to just sit there and breathe through the pain while little A pulled my hair and yelled at me ("I don't want to see Jesus!") until Mass was over. I could just hear Satan laughing in my face. By the time Mass was over, I was crying from embarrassment, lack of ability to do anything about her behavior, and from pain that the other Mass-goers could not see. Finally, I stood up really slowly, grabbed A's hand, and hobbled out to the car in tears.
Yesterday morning, before Mass, I could feel baby dropping into my pelvis; it was a weird and very distinct feeling. I could visibly see the difference between the day before and yesterday after she began the descent. The shift in weight is probably what caused my back to be really vulnerable.
Thing is, I can't afford a massage or a trip to the chiropractor. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and alone with a near-three-year-old all day while hubby is at work. I don't know anyone to call to come and watch her for a little while, so I can get some rest for my back.
Girls, I'm just overwhelmed and I need some friends. The one real comfort I have is that I can offer up my emotional and physical suffering for you all, and make it worth something. I know we'll get through this, and I am so thankful for the perspective God has given me through this past year. I know that without it, I would probably feel like this was all the end of the world or something equally dramatic.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to Him
and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6