Thank you to all of you who responded to my last post. I'm so grateful for your compassion and love. Honestly, you are so appreciated. Your prayers have been effective.
Since I posted and received your comments, I've not experienced an episode, so I think that naming the evil and bringing it into the light was a really good first step. Still, I'm think you are all right; I need to take advantage of the healing places in the world that can help me. So, as a result of your comments, I've made an appointment at my school's counseling center. They have a center with professionals--not just students in training--specifically for families, so I'm going to start there. I will keep updating as things progress.
In other news, work and school is going really well. I miss my family and our old parish (especially Father G) a whole lot. It's been really hard to find a parish here that we really like, but I have made a friend who has been incredibly sweet and welcoming. She's even really patient when I can't meet her for coffee or a playdate for ten weeks at a time while the school-term is raging (I do mean "raging." Once those ten weeks start, it's go-go-go for all ten weeks.)
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you and let you know that I'm doing something about this. I really appreciate your prayers in the mean time.
***I also just wanted to make a disclaimer, in case anyone is wondering, or anyone is reading this who doesn't know me, that I have had absolutely no desire or temptation to harm myself or my children. These experiences are essentially waking nightmares and flashback experiences, and I have told the appropriate people around me to watch out for me.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Satan Breathes
I'm sorry to have dropped off the face of the blog-planet. I don't have time to write this. I don't have time to do much at all, except work/school and take care of my children. But I have to get this out and process it by writing because Satan is breathing down my neck. He is terrorizing me. And I have to bring his evil into the light and call it by name. I am warning you now that there is tough stuff ahead. And perhaps some graphic descriptions.
The hours I keep are precarious. I'm constantly on the verge of a *little* breakdown right now because we, Azelia and I, sleep in 4-5 hour increments still, and I often skip the sleep between feedings to work. These ten week terms are a hell of a way to measure your life. Between weeks 7 and 10, I don't slow down. My house doesn't get cleaned, the dinners I serve practically all come from the crock pot, and the true greatness of my husband's patience appears rather immeasurable. I am constantly grading papers or writing papers or working up presentations or writing lesson plans or writing Old English vocabulary words on note-cards. This is a phase of life, I know, but it is a hard, hard working phase.
But when things are working, Satan creeps in. Since July 2012, Satan has a new edge. He has a new way of haunting me and terrorizing me whether I'm awake or asleep. I might be drifting off into a much needed few hours of sleep or I might be driving along happily in my car. It doesn't matter. He uses anything he can. He knows where to hurt me.
What I'm writing about, specifically, are visions. Horrible, evil visions. It usually starts with something I've heard or read, and then Satan uses it to produce a vision in which I am forced to participate in something horrible.
For example, a few weeks ago I heard about the new report on No.rth K.orea, and all of the horrible atrocities they have now proven to be happening in the work camps there. They've called it something like the "new-nazi camps." Then the newscaster reported about a woman who was forced to drown her own baby (I can barely write that right now). I was driving when I heard those words, and suddenly I saw in my mind's eye, like a little video, myself drowning my own baby, Azelia. I immediately burst into tears and forced the vision out of my consciousness, but I cannot forget it. It's as if I literally saw myself doing it, and the image is imprinted on my mind.
This happens over and over again. It happened when I was reading a novella as part of my school assignment (a pregnant woman is killed by her husband in the story), it happens when I hear something on the news about the Ukraine (I have a good friend who is connected to orphanages there), or when I see commercials about helping children in Africa, anytime it has to do with a pregnant woman or children. I have visions of myself and my children in these horrible situations, and I feel like I'm actually experiencing the trauma.
I have heard that women who suffer miscarriages can suffer from symptoms of PTSD, and these weird visions/flashbacks may be a part of that. But I know that their origin is evil because their result is that they rob me of my peace. They make me fear a lack of Christ, and his dwelling in my heart. That, I know can be nothing but evil.
Each time it happens, I say the Saint Michael prayer, and I consider seeing a psychiatrist and/or a priest. I know I probably need to do both of those things. My mom says I need to seek spiritual healing at a Catholic conference or something. But I suppose the first thing to do is to call this out into the light, to stop suffering it by myself. To remember that none of this belongs to Satan, though he is trying his damndest to steal my peace. St. Michael the Archangel, pray for me.
The hours I keep are precarious. I'm constantly on the verge of a *little* breakdown right now because we, Azelia and I, sleep in 4-5 hour increments still, and I often skip the sleep between feedings to work. These ten week terms are a hell of a way to measure your life. Between weeks 7 and 10, I don't slow down. My house doesn't get cleaned, the dinners I serve practically all come from the crock pot, and the true greatness of my husband's patience appears rather immeasurable. I am constantly grading papers or writing papers or working up presentations or writing lesson plans or writing Old English vocabulary words on note-cards. This is a phase of life, I know, but it is a hard, hard working phase.
But when things are working, Satan creeps in. Since July 2012, Satan has a new edge. He has a new way of haunting me and terrorizing me whether I'm awake or asleep. I might be drifting off into a much needed few hours of sleep or I might be driving along happily in my car. It doesn't matter. He uses anything he can. He knows where to hurt me.
What I'm writing about, specifically, are visions. Horrible, evil visions. It usually starts with something I've heard or read, and then Satan uses it to produce a vision in which I am forced to participate in something horrible.
For example, a few weeks ago I heard about the new report on No.rth K.orea, and all of the horrible atrocities they have now proven to be happening in the work camps there. They've called it something like the "new-nazi camps." Then the newscaster reported about a woman who was forced to drown her own baby (I can barely write that right now). I was driving when I heard those words, and suddenly I saw in my mind's eye, like a little video, myself drowning my own baby, Azelia. I immediately burst into tears and forced the vision out of my consciousness, but I cannot forget it. It's as if I literally saw myself doing it, and the image is imprinted on my mind.
This happens over and over again. It happened when I was reading a novella as part of my school assignment (a pregnant woman is killed by her husband in the story), it happens when I hear something on the news about the Ukraine (I have a good friend who is connected to orphanages there), or when I see commercials about helping children in Africa, anytime it has to do with a pregnant woman or children. I have visions of myself and my children in these horrible situations, and I feel like I'm actually experiencing the trauma.
I have heard that women who suffer miscarriages can suffer from symptoms of PTSD, and these weird visions/flashbacks may be a part of that. But I know that their origin is evil because their result is that they rob me of my peace. They make me fear a lack of Christ, and his dwelling in my heart. That, I know can be nothing but evil.
Each time it happens, I say the Saint Michael prayer, and I consider seeing a psychiatrist and/or a priest. I know I probably need to do both of those things. My mom says I need to seek spiritual healing at a Catholic conference or something. But I suppose the first thing to do is to call this out into the light, to stop suffering it by myself. To remember that none of this belongs to Satan, though he is trying his damndest to steal my peace. St. Michael the Archangel, pray for me.
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