Today is my due date. I wish I could report that baby girl has arrived or will arrive today, but I'm afraid it isn't going to happen.
I'm feeling so discouraged. My body just doesn't do what it is supposed to do. I've been having false labor for two weeks. TWO WEEKS of thinking "today might be the day!" or "This really has to be it" or "I had better call my husband and have him come home." All for nothing. I've had all the signs that labor is coming, and nothing is coming. And I feel guilty even writing this because I know I should be thankful for every second that I'm pregnant, because it may never happen again, and because for some it doesn't happen at all.
I know I've only arrived at my due date just today, and many women go overdue. But I'm worried. I'm worried that my body won't do this on its own, because it doesn't do anything right when it comes to reproduction, and I will have to be induced again.
It's not that induction is the worst thing ever; in fact there would be a few really good things about being induced (my mom could be here in time, our new insurance would kick in and we'd be better off financially). It's just that induction means we wait another whole week for her birth. That has me the most anxious.
My teaching orientation begins on Sept. 23rd, and school starts the next week. I have two weeks from today. Every day that goes by without her here is one less day I have with her before I'm working. I feel incredibly guilty about that. I am afraid I'm going to show up at work and be a hormonal and emotional wreck. I doubt and doubt and doubt what I was so sure the Lord was asking me to do. I feel like a bad mother. I fear the difficulty and the stress. I fear the ramifications of not having/taking the proper time to heal, physically and emotionally.
Satan is whispering in my ear, encouraging me to fear. If there's one thing he hates, it's a holy birth. And all my prayers and offerings are getting on his nerves. I really feel Satan attacking me sometimes. When I lay down at night, he is putting terrifying thoughts in my head about stillbirth and my own death. He is saying everything he can to get me to doubt and to fear: "You should have just given up going to school when you found out you were pregnant. You shouldn't have trusted God. You shouldn't have gotten pregnant. You should have gotten rid of that baby so you could go to school without worrying about it. This exhaustion is too much for you. You're going to be a bad mother if you go through with this. You're going to fail at school. You're taking on too much. This isn't what God wanted of you after all."
I don't believe all these things. But some of them haunt me more than others. I do not have the fortification of courage I had the last time we did this, and part of it is because I was naive then. I didn't know how hard it would be, and I didn't care. I didn't know anything about losing a child, and I couldn't have imagined how that would forever change me. It was good that I was naive then; I needed that courage. But most of it is that evil wants me to fail before I even try. Lord, how I need that courage now, too!
I look back over the past year and think, what did I learn about God through this? How do I assuage these fears based on what I learned? Sometimes I find myself forgetting the trust and dependence upon God that I needed to cultivate over the past 15 months in order to survive RG's death.
But today, I must remember that apart from God, I can do nothing. Nothing. I can do nothing without Him. And it follows that if I am doing His Will, and if I depend on Him for everything, I can do this.
With God, I can do one more week of pregnancy and exhaustion. I can maintain the energy I will need to keep my hormones in check when I arrive at work. I can be a good mother, even if I go to work one week after she is born. I can be successful in school/work and in motherhood at the same time. If I give all of these fears to God, He will transform them.
Let her come when and how she will, in the Lord's timing. It is He who made this possible in the first place, and He will sustain me through the mission. I have to know that. I have to know it every day.
St. Gerard, pray for me. St. Gianna Molla, Pray for me. Blessed Marie Azelie Martin, pray for me. Mary, my mother, speak to Jesus for me.